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WOAAAH. Time flies and i'm sure you will agree ;) Thankfully, 2010 was much better than 2009, probably cause we let go of something i'll never thought of...a bonded family. No, don't get me wrong. The folks did not file for a divorce and the family can still be considered as intact? Just that sissy has chose to move out, due to some differences that she and my father can't compromise on. The last quarter of 2009 has been the toughest period of my life and apart from school and projects, my days were mostly spent on incessant sobbing and clubbing/drinking. I know. It was as bad as it sounds. Unknowingly, a habit was formed and things almost went out of control after graduation. We make it a point to visit our favorite hang-out/(s) every Wed and Fri/Sat and spent an alarming sum on the cover charge, drinks and cabbing. How we managed that was utterly beyond me. It was really draining. Physically, mentally, emotionally and definitely monetary. Thank god the habit did not escalate into that of an addiction, for i can't picture the consequences.
I've always thought it was hard for the person who leave, but i guess it's even harder being the one who stays. In recent months, i have tried to bridge the 'gap' between my sissy and father, but somewhat to no avail ): I really hope one day, they will be able to make peace with each other and things can go back to how they were. It's true when they say one will only appreciate the things he/she once had, when it's gone.
On a better note, i graduated from NYP in the first quarter of 2010 too! As i'm typing this entry now, i am actually kind of torn between furthering my studies this year or to focus on my passion. Even if i've made up my mind on the former, it's a choice between passion and obligations, AGAIN. Deciding on the course that interests me (for instance, Psychology) or one that has better prospects (for instance, Banking and Finance). I understand that one can only go far in a particular industry with passion and interests in that field, but i'm not 100% certain that Psychology is the one for me. Sigh. Not helping that the deadline for enrolment is near too ): Okay i've side-tracked. I did not continue with my studies right after graduation as i'm kind of clueless as to what to major in and i guess i deserves a year break or so before continuing my love-and-hate r/s with books.
Bummed around for a good 3-months before landing myself with a job (that i'm currently still at), thanks to Sylvia's help. I'm nothing but grateful for her recommendation as i was going through a downcasted phrase of life and w/o her help, i will definitely not be able to find a job in such a short period of time and may still be even weighed down by the loss, regrets and depressing issues. Adding on to the list, i will not have learnt all that i have, if i did not take up the offer, and also, getting to know the pleasant and amiable bunch of colleagues :) I am also elated that our friendship has grown so much stronger from Day 1. Things are just going to get better and better :D
As i mentioned in the earlier part of this entry, it was a period of unreasonably excessively of clubbings. I admit, i admit ): But that was the only source of escapism i can seek comfort from, from the state of distress i was in. It was that bad. I was near unconsolability then. There were just alot of destructive and hurtful actions from my father, one after the other and i'll never have thought it will be over. Phewww. Anw, the problem of it all, we are always (yes, even for now) too spontaneous for our own good. When it comes to liquor and the likes, we're unrestrained. Y'know it's really a bad thing whenever we end up drinking what we planned to. I'm feeling remorseful towards my poor liver and health. Having to put up with an average of 2 bottles of hard liquor (many a time exceeding this amount), on a monthy basis is on joke. Oh good god, i'm really baffled as to how we managed to keep up with such a lifestyle for months.
And, it was during one of those nights that i met you...The one that i was incapable of dismissing from my mind, no matter how hard i've tried. Coincidentally, you happens to be a friend of a really good friend and that's how we have a lil more common topics than usual strangers i'm guessing. I rmb you once asked me, 'Do you believe in destiny?', as you find that it requires some sort of fate, even the slightest, for two to meet in a crowded dancefloor. Maybe you're right on the concept of 'destiny'. We're just not destined to be together. I can't deny that you make up a huge part of my 2010's memories. In fact, you're the first tt comes to my mind when i thought of the significant events tt took place this year and the mistakes/regrets. Sometimes, i wonder if i made it tt easy for you to enter my life, cause a stir and exit when you deems fit? To be honest, no one has caused me as much hurt as you did. They must be right to say first love is the hardest to forget. On the flip side, i'm actually thankful for all the realizations and takeways from all tt has happened. Those has definitely made me a stronger and better person. I wouldn't have known how unconditional love can be, and how love can transcend boundaries. It's been more than half a year since you've left SG but i'm still stucked with the promises of tomorrow. But it's all for the best, i know it is. You were right that we hardly know each other well enough, so let alone to say taking things further.
The feeling of loss upon loss was good enough to further complicate my already knotty life and land myself in the dumps, not forgetting the merciless devaluation of self. I put the blames on myself for failing to provide you with the assurance you need and giving up when you asked me to reconsider. But now, i've seen for myself tt things did not work out due to many other reasons as well. Like, how apparent incompabilities. I was blinded from the start to not be able to see somethings clearly. A liner from Eat, Pray, Love, 'You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.' was particularly helpful to me to jolt me to my senses. I don't know why i was doing things like feeling extremely down and crying all-night long to myself, over a person who probably can get me out of his finger with a snap of the finger. So, no matter how much i love you, i've to say goodbye to you now, with the end of year 2010. And i've to make it stick.
But of course, you will have nothing but my blessings.
Attraversiamo (Italian word, 'Let's cross over').
'Every instance of heartbreak can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want.' -Martha Beck
Throughout these 12 months, i'm really beholden to the bunch of friends for their support and kind words. I wouldn't have had the strength to pull through the dark hours w/o every single one of you. You guys know who you're :) Thank you for the assurance tt i can always count on you guys for support and for me to fall back on. I'm really grateful and blessed, because of y'all. Thank you.
To the bestest bestest bestest pal, Peifen, this year has been one of ups and downs for us and i'm thankful for having you with me. The bond between us is really amazing, it's like i can always count on you in times of need, knowing you will always have my back (and definitely, vice versa). Our shared memories are likewise, priceless. 'FOREVER YOUNG, I WANNA ME FOREVER YOUNG.' Like i always tell you, 'We're always too spontaneous for our own good.', but everything aside, we did have some good 'guilty pleasures' throughout the months of 'letting ourselves go'. We're only young once, so i'm glad WE LIVE IT UPPP. And of course, let's rmb to count our blessings for being ever-so-lucky and 'unshattered' through all the insane sessions. I'm so looking forward to spending another splendid year with you :D "I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart.' True story.
I love the start of every brand new year. It's like, given a second chance to live my life again. I trust tt i'm capable of convincing myself to leave all the troubles, regrets and sorrows in the current year and strive for a better me in 2011. Of course, 2011 brings with it a new set of challenges, with my shift in focus to the larger scheme of life. More so, on health-related issues, furthering my studies and spending time with my family members and friends. Truely, they are the ones tt i can never do w/o. In a blink, i'm turning 21 this year too ;) I hope my enthusiasm for planning a memorable bash for myself is sustainable so tt i can arrange for a get-together this July.
Dear 2011, i am wishing for 1.) Good health for all my loved ones, 2.) Have a taste of contentment and 3.) Project T to reap positive returns. And, on a personal level, live high, dream big and love much.
A fresh year with renewed sense of purpose xx
Thank you, 2010.
2011 is going to be a better year. I can feel it.
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